To Myself
by The Good Girl
Summary: They grew up with eachother their whole life. He never really cared. She never knew. But everything happens for a reason.
1. Default Chapter

Disclaimer . I don't own anything but the fictional characters I made up & the plot...!  
  
Author note: I started a new story bc I was getting bored with unexpected love. Don't worry, I'm gonna finish it, but I just get these ideas and I need to get them down. Okey dokey!  
  
Chapter One - Seeing through my Eyes  
  
I watched Chris Chambers sit down from answering the question wrong in our math class, and his face redden slightly. The class laughed softly, but I didn't. I didn't know the answer either.  
  
His eyes were cast down and he didn't look up at Mr. Falworth. I resented that man, and I hated him. But I kept my mouth shut and continued to watch Chris.  
  
He looked hurt. His intangible blue eyes were staring out the window, and he looked like he rather be anywhere but here. I felt his pain more than saw it. Gordie LaChance, his best friend, leaned over from the seat next to him and muttered something to Chris. Chris looked into his best friend's eyes and smirked.  
  
I wished I had a best friend like that. Someone to talk to, someone who understood me. But unfortunately, we aren't all as lucky as Chris Chambers. And fortunately, we all aren't as unlucky.  
  
From where I was sitting, the last seat in my row, I could see a cut just behind his ear. I knew what it came from, everyone knew his father was a lousy drunk who beat on his kids. I felt sorry for him, but I didn't really know what he was going through. My father was gone, but my mother was a decent person.  
  
I got lost in a trance, just staring at Chris. His blonde hair glistened in the afternoon light, and his strong arms caressed in the day. He looked angelic, like some sort of unreal creation, too precious to touch, or the value would disappear.  
  
I had gone to school with him forever, but I had never really took the time to get to know him. I grew up next door to Gordie, so I would see Chris almost everyday. But I never made it a point to talk to him. I was too afraid to really talk to anyone.  
  
"Miss Allende?" I was thrown out of my daze by Mr. Falworth calling my name. I jerked my head upwards and looked at him. I felt the whole class' eyes look at me. My face was burning.  
  
"What?" I asked. I wasn't trying to be rude, it came out of my mouth before I thought about what I was saying.  
  
"Miss Allende," he repeated. He weaved in and out of all the rows and stopped just a few short of my seat. Now all the students were turned around in their seats looking at Mr. Falworth and I. I frowned. "Are you with us? Is something more important in this classroom than math, that has your full attention?"  
  
"No sir," I muttered, looking down.  
  
"Do you know the answer, then, Miss Allende?" he asked.  
  
My heart stopped. I didn't even know the question.  
  
"No sir," I repeated.  
  
He sighed. "Well I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to leave my classroom, and return when you are ready to learn. You may have a seat outside the principle's office."  
  
My heart sank. I had never been sent out of class before. Sure lots of kids have, Chris especially, but never me. I gathered up my books and headed towards the principle's office.  
  
I had only been sitting there about ten minutes, and had just started to read my book, when I heard footsteps coming down the corridor. I looked up and saw Chris coming towards me. He looked at me for a moment, then took the seat beside me.  
  
"Falworth sent me out too," he said, looking at me sideways. "I answered another question wrong."  
  
I looked at him. "Oh."  
  
I didn't really know what to say. I'd known this kid all my life, but he'd never really spoken to me before, just always been there.  
  
"Did you even know the question?" he asked, looking slightly amused, and grinning. I had to grin back.  
  
"Nope." I looked down at my book, but I couldn't read. My mind was somewhere else.  
  
He laughed softly. "Thought as much."  
  
He looked at me again, and I felt his gaze, so I glanced up.  
  
"Your name's Celeste right?" he asked, looking at me. "You live next to Gordie LaChance. I've seen you around."  
  
I grinned at him. "Yep, that's me. You're Chris." I couldn't believe this guy didn't even know my name after being in the same sophomore math class for the whole year. He grinned back at me.  
  
"You're a strange kid," he said. I was taken aback by the statement. I felt a pang of annoyance at 'kid.' I was fifteen, just as old as him.  
  
"Okay," I muttered. Right now I thought he was the strange one.  
  
"I mean," he said again, reddening slightly. "You're just different. I mean...I've never seen a girl with you're kinda hair. And you don't dress like everyone else. And you don't talk much."  
  
I stared at him. I felt self conscious about what I was wearing. I didn't think there was anything wrong with it. I was wearing a long, gray tunic which came down to my lower thigh, with slightly flaring sleeves, and a pair of light, soft capris. My mother had always dressed me like this, I didn't see anything wrong with it. As for my hair, well it has always been that long. It reached my elbows, and was a light brown color and was very thick and really very curly. I liked it, at least.  
  
I guess he saw how uncomfortable I was.  
  
"I'm sorry," he muttered, looking embarrassed. "I didn't mean to offend you. There's nothing wrong with you. I think it's kind of cool the way you dress, and how reserved you are."  
  
I kept looking at him. I didn't know what to say. I settled for a shrug, and gathered up my books. The bell was going to ring any minute. Standing up I looked down at him.  
  
"See ya around," I said, grinning.  
  
He smiled at me, and waved. "Yeah. See ya around, Celeste."  
  
I walked out of school feeling really strange and baffled. Jesus, was the world full of surprises. Shrugging, I walked home.  
  
*****************************  
  
so how'd you like it so far???? Should I keep going? I like it, it's kinda whatever popped in my mind. Well I'll update soon. Review please!! Thanx~. 


	2. Empty Heart

Disclaimer...I don't own any Stand By Me characters, unfortunately. I wish I did, but hey! It's all good..  
  
author note- thanx so much for all the reviews!!  
  
S h o u t O u t s - -   
  
Lady Weasley - thanx for the review! It was sweet!! You rock for saying I rock!! Woohoo  
  
Riosgirl14 - hey I appreciate the review!! I will update soon, I've just been busy, goin down the shore n stuff..so anyways thanx~!~  
  
Mellie - ur so nice!! Thanx for sayin that about the review, I was a lil upset over it, but I got over it..hehe gotta take the good w/ the bad! Anyways, thanx soooo much!!!  
  
SophIe - heyy girl wuts up? thanx for the review I really appreciate everything you say!! You r the best! Lol anyways...update ur stories soon I love tHeM!!!!  
  
SuPeR-wOmAn-WaNNAbE - thanx for the review!!! im just kinda bored w/ unexpected love, I have the whole story planned out, so im just taking a lil break. Thanx 4 the review ~!~  
  
Anna - thanx for the feedback!! It helps sooo much!  
  
Chapter Two - Empty Heart ((this is gonna be a really short chapter))  
  
"Miss Allende?" I jerked my head up when I heard my name being called. I grimaced when I saw it was Mr. Falworth. I had been dozing off, not able to concentrate at all that morning, and just scribbling absentmindedly on my homework.  
  
"Yes?" I asked groggily. I rubbed my forehead and closed my eyes for a few seconds.  
  
"Miss Allende," Mr. Falworth repeated. I hated when he did that. "You are just not with us today. This is twice in only two weeks. What has gotten into you? I dare say you are bored? I will have to ask you to leave, Miss Allende."  
  
I glared at him. I hated him so much, I loathed him. Sighing, I gathered my books and walked out of the classroom, fully aware of everyone's eyes on me.  
  
I wasn't going to the principal's office. Not today. I couldn't' concentrate today. I wandered out into the courtyard and took a seat on a vacant bench. First period had just started, so I wasn't worried about being disturbed.  
  
My mother was gone when I woke up this morning, before school. That's why I couldn't concentrate. She always did this: she would disappear for days, then show up as if nothing was wrong. Some people wondered if I even had a mother; she never showed up at parent-teacher conferences.  
  
I was ashamed. My mother was so beautiful, I wanted to be just like her. She was a little taller than me, with long unnaturally straight hair with a beautiful frosting. She was thin, and currently eight months pregnant with my little sister. But it's funny, because I don't have a father that I know of, and my mother doesn't have a boyfriend. So I wonder where she could get pregnant? I felt my eyes welled up in tears as I thought my mother a tramp.  
  
I didn't even know my own mother. She was so mysterious, so different. My mother was an artist, and always got lost in her paintings or sculptures or murals. Our house was full of empty paint bottles, canvases, exotic sculptures. No wonder I didn't have a friend; they thought my mother was a wierdo.  
  
I found myself crying silently on the bench in the courtyard. I was so hurt from my mother not being in my life, I was lost. I didn't have anyone to talk to, anyone to share my feelings with. It hurt so bad, to not be able to talk to my own mother.  
  
I felt a presence and looked up into the eyes of Chris. I was so startled, I couldn't speak. I quickly wiped away my tears from my face, and felt embarrassed.  
  
"Are you okay?" he asked me, sitting down beside me. Why would he want to know?  
  
"You should be in class," I informed him, not knowing what else to say. "Falworth is gonna be pissed at you."  
  
He shrugged. "I don't care. I saw how hurt you looked, and felt bad."  
  
I looked at him and blinked. This was just too strange. I knew this guy all my life, and not once did he offer anything toward me, and now, all of a sudden?  
  
"Why do you care all of a sudden?" I heard myself say, getting really annoyed.  
  
Chris looked taken aback. "Whaddya mean?"  
  
I shook my head. "Never mind." I was in a bad mood already and I didn't want it to get worse.  
  
"So," he said. "Whatcha doing today?"  
  
I looked away, up to the sky. "Nothing." My mother was gone, and I wanted to be home when she finally arrived. I needed to be there, so she didn't become worried. That's funny, I don't think she would care, but she was my mother, and regardless, I loved her.  
  
"You wanna come with me and Gordie? We know this really cool place, where around sunset it looks so cool."  
  
I grinned at him. What the hell? Why not? Fuck my mother.  
  
"Sure."  
  
He grinned back at me. "Be ready at like six."  
  
I nodded. The bell rang for second period, and I walked away.  
  
********************************************************** okay I know its REALLY short, but im tired okay??? I'll update soon 


	3. Pink Lemonade

To Myself by: Autumn 5 Angel  
  
Chapter 3 - Pink Lemonade  
  
When I got home from school that day, my mother still wasn't home. I wasn't surprised, I didn't expect her to be, but some part of me wished she could be there. Setting my bad down at the kitchen table, I went to the fridge to see what snack it held for me. Frowning at the usual empty shelves, we had nothing but peanut butter and bottles of water in the fridge. I grimaced. That seemed as if that was all we ever ate. Taking a bottle of water, I searched the cabinets. Finding nothing but a loaf of bread and some diet pills my mother took, I decided to just drink the water and head upstairs to do some of my long awaited homework.  
  
I sat down on my quilted bed and leaned over, turning on the radio. I grinned when one of my favorite songs, She Loves You, by The Beatles, came on and I bobbed my head to the music, singing softly, trying to work out some of the equations.  
  
Two hours later, and almost four more water bottles, I finally finished my homework. I glanced at the clock which read 5:45. Just as I was putting my hair up into a pink ribbon, and was slipping into a yellow and pink summer dress, I heard the door open. I figured it was my mother so I rushed downstairs, glancing briefly in the mirror.  
  
When I saw her sitting there at the table, her hands resting on her large, pregnant belly, smoking a cigarette I grinned. I missed her, I hadn't seen her in almost two days.  
  
"Hi Mom," I said, sitting down beside her.  
  
She looked at me with her startling aqua eyes. "What are you wearing?" She asked without any emotion in her voice.  
  
I looked down at my pink and yellow summer dress and frowned. "What's wrong with it? You bought it for me?"  
  
My mother looked at me again, took a long draw from her smoke, then exhaled deeply, causing me to cough from inhaling the smoke.  
  
"I wish you wouldn't do that. It's unhealthy for us and the baby."  
  
"I wish you wouldn't wear that. It's ugly, and it makes you look terribly fat."  
  
I studied myself self consciously. "I don't have anything else to wear right now. I forgot to do laundry last night."  
  
My mother put out her cigarette and glared at me. "You're too fucking lazy that's why."  
  
I flinched. "I have to be going now. I'm meeting some people."  
  
She glared at me. "Fuck you. Go. I don't want you here anyway. Leave now. And don't come back until after I'm asleep."  
  
I felt my face stinging. She was being so cruel to me for no reason. I got up from the table and stormed out of the house, slamming the door behind me. As soon as I got out of the house I sank to the ground, my back against my tree, trembling and crying. I didn't see Chris or Gordie come up to me.  
  
"Hey," Chris said. I looked up, quickly wiping away my tears. "You okay?"  
  
I nodded, stood up, and began to walk with them. "Where are we going?"  
  
"Come on, follow me," Gordie said. We walked down some more streets until we came into a large open field.  
  
The sun was just setting, and as Gordie, Chris and I stood there looking out into the open field, the early summer humidity entrancing us, the sight was breathtaking. The blue sky was streaked with pink, giving everything around us a fairy tale like glow. A few butterflies danced around us, crickets sang their song, cicada bugs buzzing around us. I wished the moment would last forever. It felt like nothing could harm me, nothing at all. It was so beautiful. I don't know how long we were there, but when the last pink glimmer was gone, I exhaled softly.  
  
"That was beautiful," I whispered, not wanting to taint the beautiful moment.  
  
"I know," Chris whispered. Gordie nodded. Sighing, I turned around facing them. Chris grinned at me.  
  
"What?" I asked feeling self conscious.  
  
"You look like pink lemonade."  
  
"Oh, um, okay." I just shook my head slightly, laughing, as Gordie, Chris and I sat there, talking late into the night. I felt completely at peace with the world. 


	4. Blushing Butterflies

I didn't like my mother.  
  
Why didn't she like me? I never did anything to her. What was wrong with me?  
  
I glared at myself in the mirror as I held the scissors close to my hair. It was the one thing my mother loved about me; my hair. The way the blonde highlights shown through at certain angles, the way it fell over my shoulders, the way its waves and curls gave it body.  
  
But I didn't like my mother.  
  
Thus, I chopped off a good several inches of my hair, leaving it just on top of my shoulders.  
  
I grinned. Then I burst into tears.  
  
What have I done? I loved my mother..I really did..but why did she hate me? I sat down on my bed, staring at my bedroom floor where my hair lay. So why must I punish myself because of her foolish mother-lacking skills?  
  
I suppose I cut my hair for various reasons; I hated my long hair. My mother loved it, so that's why I had kept it so long. Cutting my hair gave me new feeling; a new well being. It helped me feel like me and not just my mother's offspring. I stopped crying, wiped my eyes and deposited the hair into my waste paper basket.  
  
I began to shake as I thought of what my mother would do once she found out what I had done. I quickly tied up my hair into a ribbon and glanced at myself in the mirror. My mother wouldn't be home until late tonight, so I pushed the thoughts out of my head and grabbed my school bag. Without another glance in the mirror, I headed to school.  
  
It had been several weeks since the night I had gone with Gordie and Chris to their sunset place. After that night, I realized that the way I dressed, what I ate, everything was what my mother had wanted for me. I did not like dressing the way I did, I was just so used to it. And I did not like living off of peanut butter and water, I was just used to it.  
  
So I began making my own decisions instead of my mother..this, of course, resulted in several bruises and cuts to me. I didn't mind though, my mother's blows to my head weren't going to stop me from being whom I was.  
  
But I knew she couldn't do much. The baby was do any day and I pitied the baby. Why must it be born into such a horrible world? It is not fair for someone to be born into such a terrible place..yet somehow this new baby gave me hope, that for some reason God still brings new life to the earth..and that gave me faith.  
  
When I got to school I quickly walked to my locker, pulling my sweater closer to me. I quickly threw all the books I didn't need into my locker and headed to homeroom. On my way there, I ran into Gordie who smiled at me.  
  
"Hey Celeste," he said grinning. I smiled back.  
  
"Hi."  
  
We talked for a bit and after a few moments I waved good bye and went into homeroom. It felt pretty good to have someone to talk to. I usually never had anyone; my best friend Colette Wiston moved away several years ago and I missed her very badly. Ever since then I never really grew close to any girls as best friends nor anyone. It was nice talking to Chris and Gordie routinely.  
  
I sat down at my seat in homeroom and began to zone out like usual. I seemed to be depressed all the time. Was there really a reason for me to live anymore? My mother hated me, I had no friends, no father, no family..What was happening to me? Why bother?  
  
"Hey Celest."  
  
I looked up and my heart fluttered for some odd reason as I looked into the warm eyes of Chris Chambers.  
  
"Hi," I said softly. He sat down beside me.  
  
"What are you doing after school today?" He asked me. I grinned.  
  
"Most likely homework..that's about it," I replied.  
  
"Do you want to hang out with Gordie and me? We'll be at his house so you can just come over after you go home."  
  
I smiled at him. "Okay, sure."  
  
He studied me for a moment then noticed my hair. "Hey-you got a haircut!"  
  
I laughed. "You're a fast one.."  
  
He smiled. My heart fluttered again. What was wrong with me? "It looks nice," he said.  
  
I felt myself blushing and looked down. "Erm..thanks."  
  
What was going on with me? I was fifteen years old, not five years old! I pushed the confusing thoughts out of my mind and laid my head down for the rest of homeroom, praying to God that Chris didn't notice my blush.  
  
*~**~*~**~*~**~*~**~*~**~*~**~*~**~*~**~*~**~*~**~*~**~*~**~*~**~* 


	5. Kaylee's Party

Lunch was never my favorite time of day. Having very little friends in high school, I usually sat with my friend Kaylee Saunders. She was a sweet girl, a year older than me in junior year. I liked her and we had grown up together. She wasn't popular at Castle Rock but had more friends than I, so as I entered the small lunchroom I smiled as she waved at me.  
  
"Hey Kaylee," I said, sitting down with my lunch opposite her. There were a few other people at the table, but I didn't talk to them and I had no desire to.  
  
"Celeste! Hey," she said happily. Her long, blonde hair and anxious crystal blue eyes made her look like a princess out of a fairy tale and had most of the male student body fawning over her every move. It was a wonder she wasn't popular, on the other hand, girls hated her for her petite body and gorgeous features. At first, I was afraid of her but she had befriended me first and I learned to quickly be myself around her. "Your hair is cut!"  
  
I laughed lightly, biting into my tomato salad. "It's a nice change. I like it," I said.  
  
"So," she went on, playing with her apple. "I'm having a few friends over this weekend, would you like to come?" I looked at her, startled. I had hardly ever been invited to hang out with people...I was uncertain- extremely nervous. What would I wear? Would the other people like me? Who would be there? I shook my head and grinned nervously.  
  
"Um-sure," I said through shaking teeth. I knew she could tell I was uncertain and I saw her peer at me, eyes glittering.  
  
"You can bring someone, if you'd like," she said in a sweet tone. "I've seen you hang out with that Chambers boy and Gordie LaChance. I'm friends with Gordie, he's coming, and how about you bring Chris?"  
  
I dropped my sandwich. Chris? My heart fluttered as I thought of him. I had discovered that morning when he had noticed my haircut that I had developed a crush on the youngest Chambers son. It was my first real crush and it made me all giddy and shit.  
  
"Okay!" I said, maybe a bit too anxiously. "Um, what time?"  
  
Kaylee smiled her famous smile, and seemed to be in a much better mood. "It's Friday night, starts at seven thirty. Would you want to spend the night afterwards? A few other girls will be spending the night too."  
  
I was on cloud nine. I was actually being invited to a social gathering and I was invited to spend the night! My pathetic life was beginning to shape up and I couldn't help but be overjoyed.  
  
"Oh, Kaylee, thanks so much," I said grinning. She giggled.  
  
"Celeste, it's no problem. I always really wanted to hang out with you, but you seemed so-I don't know, separated." She smiled happily at me and for the rest of lunch I couldn't stop grinning.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Like usual, when I got home that afternoon, my mother was not there. I hadn't expected her to be, so it didn't bother me much. I walked up to my room and looked at myself in the mirror. Now, with my shorter hair, I was beginning to think of ways to do it. I remembered my best friend who moved Colette had taught me to French braid. Without thinking twice, I French braided my hair into to pigtails and looked around until I came upon two pale pink ribbons and put them a the end. I threw on my sweater and put on a skirt. I looked myself up and down. I looked pretty decent.  
  
Just as I was finishing up my last bit of homework, I heard the door knock. I flew down the stairs and opened the door breathlessly.  
  
Chris and Gordie started to laugh when they saw I was out of breath.  
  
"Did you just run a mile or something?" Chris asked laughing. I blushed a deep crimson.  
  
"No," I muttered. Gordie laughed.  
  
"Come on, we're hanging at my place."  
  
I smiled at Gordie and closed the door without thinking of my mother once.  
  
*~*~*~*~*  
  
Next chapter, we see what happens at the LaChance house! ;-)  
  
Review! 


	6. Don't you even know who this is?

Gordie, Chris and I sat on Gordie's porch sipping soda's and just talking about whatever came to mind. It was strange, I never expected in a million years to be hanging out with two boys who had always known me my whole life, but never cared. It was different and cool, I guess...but I couldn't help but feel a bit awkward.  
  
"Strawberries or bananas?"  
  
I looked up at Gordie's absurd question.  
  
"Gordie-what the hell kind of question is that?" I asked, taking a sip of my pop and looking at him like he was rather odd. Chris laughed softly.  
  
"Celeste, answer the question," Gordie said very seriously. "It's a very important question and could determine the end of the world."  
  
"Right," I muttered. "Um, strawberries."  
  
Chris looked up at me. "Why?" He asked, grinning.  
  
"Because they are yummy," I said, licking my lips. Gordie giggled most unattractively and I burst out laughing. "That's the funniest noise I have ever heard!" Tears filled up my eyes as I continued laughing. Chris looked at me like I was insane.  
  
"You've never heard Gordie cackle?" he asked. "Oh my, you are in for a rude awakening."  
  
"Hey!" Gordie shouted in protest. "I do NOT cackle. I may giggle occasionally and even snort when things are very funny, but other than that, please!"  
  
Chris and I laughed lightly and I couldn't help but blush. He was so cute and I felt ashamed of myself. Falling apart over some guy! I had never done such a thing in my whole life and I felt foolish. I didn't have a mother to talk about this kind of thing and my newfound friendship with Kaylee hadn't gotten to the point of confiding. What was I supposed to do? Who was I supposed to talk to?  
  
"So," I said. "Gordie, you going to Kaylee's party this Friday?" Gordie looked up at me and nodded.  
  
"Yep! She told me she invited you," he said. "Chris, you going?"  
  
Chris looked away. "Man, I was invited," he said like it was the most obvious thing in the world.  
  
"Well you can come with me," I said. "Kaylee told me to bring someone."  
  
Chris grinned. "You would bring me?" I smiled.  
  
"Yup."  
  
I swore I saw Chris blush, but that could have been the cold wind. . .  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
The phone rang that night just as Gordie, Chris and I were laying around my living room, playing cards and just talking. My mother still hadn't come home, and a part of me was beginning to worry.  
  
"Hello?" I asked.  
  
"Celeste? Celeste-honey is that you?" I didn't recognize the muffled voice. They sounded afraid and nervous. Lots of commotion was going on in the background.  
  
"Who is this?" I asked uncertainly.  
  
"Celeste, honey, please come get me," the voice said again. I was becoming nervous.  
  
"Uhmm-who is this?!" I demanded, loud and clear. Chris and Gordie now came into the kitchen to see what the racket was.  
  
"Celeste, is everything okay?" Chris asked.  
  
"Honey, please, I'm scared, don't you even know who this is?" The voice continued to beg. Tears filled my eyes as the agonizing voice continued. "Damn you! Don't you recognize your own mother's voice?"  
  
Tears began rolling down my face and Chris and Gordie were now quite frightened.  
  
"What the hell is going on?" Gordie asked.  
  
"Where are you?" I asked clearly.  
  
"Honey-please, come get me, I'm afraid," my mother continued. "I'm all alone. He left me, that bastard! He told me he loved me and now-" she broke off in sobs. The phone disconnected.  
  
I glanced at Chris and Gordie, quite afraid.  
  
"Can you guys come with me, real quick?" I asked, tears continually rolling down my face.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
End of Chapter Six. Please Review!! ^_^ 


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